2PhatGeeks.com

Video blog bloopers.

Sep 28, 2008 Video Blogs 6 Comments

Generally I am so very suave, debonair, cool, collected and the very picture of feminine grace and elegance when I make a video blog or a rant. I know this will come as world shattering heart break for some of you…But I’m not perfect.

I have video proof.

The top 10 surefire ways to make your husband think you are absolutely insane.

Sep 27, 2008 Married Life 12 Comments

If the incident with the peanut butter jar and the olive oil didn’t convince him, here are my personal top 10 best ways to prove beyond a doubt to your husband you’re completely nuts. Take it from me, they really work!

Would you like some bread?

Stay up more than twenty four hours. In fact, go for beyond three days if possible until the carpet starts waving like the ocean at your feet. When you finally feel like your brain is ready to let you slip into a sweet, sweet coma grab your pajama pants and:

• Attempt to put your foot into them without looking. Trust me, when you’ve gone forever without sleep and you feel like you’ve just gone the distance with a kegger or two, it’s nigh impossible to do without killing yourself and taking several other people with you.
• Fall flat on your face immediately after trying to put one single toe in a leg of your pajamas.
• Rise up triumphantly, giggling madly, and wrap the jammie bottoms around your head as if you were a beggar woman from Soviet Russia (where Jammies eat YOU). Ask him clearly if he “would like some bread?” in an awful Russian facsimile accent.

Juggle your boobs.

This is a personal favorite of mine and one I like to do when my husband, Shawn, is fully engrossed in watching television or playing a game. It’s simple to do, just go to wherever your husband is and start juggling the girls. If you really want to leave an impression, I recommend that you hum a few bars of circus-like music.

Tell him you could be a bond girl.

But not just any bond girl. Wake up from a dead sleep in the middle of night after suffering a bought of stomach bugs, sit straight up, look at your husband and declare, “I could be a bond girl. Mrs…Mrs…Mrs. Chubblepenny.” Get up, use the bathroom, return to bed and go right back to sleep. Ladies, feel free to get creative with the bond girl names.

Lick his eyeball.

In a particularly romantic moment be it in bed or just holding hands wherever you are, when he comes in closer for that slow, sweet kiss, dive your head forward and go for his cheek. Except have absolutely no aim what-so-ever and miss, directly hitting his eye ball. You will win the entirety of the internet if you act calm and tell him in a nonchalant manner that’s exactly what you planned on doing.

Ask him for a Pony at completely random times and places.

I chose the grocery check-out line of our local Publix grocery store to loudly ask for a pony. You could always try for a far classier place, like Target or Wal-mart,  or try for rooms with better acoustics for that great wtf is wrong with you? look old ladies will give you as they pass you buy.

Things to do while he’s driving

• Reach over and grab his man boob, or if you prefer, manly pectoral muscle and while squeezing, make car-honking noises.
• While he’s passing cars along the highway, make sure to make TIE fighter sound effects for each car passed.
• Roll down the window and shout about damn kids and their new fangled dance music.
• Ask if you can put the car in reverse, timing is everything. It’s best to ask when he’s navigating a difficult turn or in the middle of crazy traffic.

Pew Pew!

Grab your pet cat, hold him or her like a laser rifle and make approximate Star-Warsish pewpew! noises.

Adorn your feet in a vast array of décor.

The stranger, the better. If you can’t get a hold of the always fabulous Cthuhlu slippers, I recommend this fabulous pair pictured above.

Appliances are super fun.

When he brings home the new coffee machine equipped with metal carafe for keeping the coffee hot for several hours after brewing, have a little creative fun with that. Notice how the carafe makes a distinctive sword-drawn-out-of-scabbard sound often used in the movie and remove the carafe from the machine multiple times just to hear it. You’ll make a lasting impression if, while doing so, you mimic the shiiiiingshiiiing cadence of metal to metal.

Do things that make absolutely no sense to any human being, what-so-ever.

Using your favorite tea or coffee thermal cup, fill it with your favorite hot drink. Be fooled by the small top which only allows a small amount of liquid to come through and into your mouth. Remove the top thinking all is well and fill your mouth with blistering hot drink. In a complete and total moment of panic, only knowing that you want the burning acid liquid out of your mouth and want it out now—open your mouth and try to spit it out into your hand. Except, this is when you realize the tea/coffee/hot drink is too hot for your hand and try to shake it away, thus, dropping a handful of still piping hot tea onto your right boob.

This is 100% proven by yours truly. I can say without a doubt that I have done all of this and more. And the most amazing thing, ladies, is that he is still with me today and some how thinks that I am an alright sorta chick to be married to.

Good luck, ladies, and let me know how it works out for you!

Shawn, Mel? What’s with the ad spots?

Sep 24, 2008 Misc Leave a comment

I know, I know. I said earlier this year in my Pay Per Post entry that I wouldn’t clutter up 2phatgeeks with advertisements. That I would resist the urge to blast all of you guys with Google banner ads, ad sense ads, ads about ads and some ads with text ads.

And that promise holds 100% true, but, things have happened.

These things are generally filed under life and having a life with a sick cat.

Some of you who follow my live journal know that our Cat, Raven, was recently diagnosed with diabetes and has just come home as well as recovered from three days in and out of the Vet’s for blood curves. What some of you may not know is how much that totaled.

Nearly 700$ dollars in vet bills.

Sure, some of you might not agree with spending that much on an animal. That’s ok, its your right to do so, but Shawn and I are more than willing to do what we can. Sadly, the Veterinarian does not think that diabetes is the only thing wrong with her. That its an underlying symptom of a bigger issue and possibly Cushing’s disease.

I’ll spare you the details as to why after all that was spent this year, its chomping us solidly in the ass. Suffice to say we can’t afford to treat her further. We can only give her insulin for now and keep an eye on her blood curves and with mounting every day bills (like everyone else!) topped with the Vet bills. I would have gone the PPP route, but Payperpost.com has been dry as a bone lately. I refuse to write up on credit cards, psychics, another repeat of dream vacations or any of the pity offerings which have nothing to do really, with Shawn and I or what 2phatgeeks is about. Thus, hopefully, sparing you from the horror of me talking out of my blowhole about something I know nothing about. Something had to give!

And so, I gave. Just a little.

So for now, 2phatgeeks will offer just a modest 2 125×125 ad spaces within our side bar for 25$ a month and see how it goes. I hope you guys won’t mind.

It was either this, or get Shawn to flash his boobs on web cam.

Seven Random yet neat Adobe Photoshop tutorials

Sep 24, 2008 Tips, Tricks & Tutorials 2 Comments

Thanks to Stumble Upon, I’ve managed to amass a small collection of Adobe Photo shop tutorials I’ve really thought useful, or just tutorials I’ve really loved. Without further ado, here are some of my favorites, I hope they’ll help you!

Making a Movie 100×100 icon, by Gawariel Design

“I know this icon isn’t that pretty, but all the basics of movie-making are in it.
Just remember that all the settings I used are for this specific icon only. Every setting depends on the icon you want to make. So, you wont be able to litteraly copy everything I have done to make your own movie icon, but at least you’ll get an idea on how it’s done!”

Make a Realistic planet, by dangtruong, on 9tutorials.com

“This tutorial should step you through making a simple, yet realistic-looking planet using Adobe Photoshop 7, and ONLY Adobe Photoshop 7. We’re working small here, so keep in mind that the larger you work, the harder the planet will be to create (just a bit more work as size increases).”

Out of Bounds tutorial, by agaraga: tilted reality

“OOB effects can be done with only one photo or with several images composed and you can either leave the original background as is or distort it to add a different look. Following example was done using only one photo and the background hasn’t been distorted.”

Add a misty or dreamy effect to your photos, by Nifty tutorials

“This quick tutorial will show how to add a really cool dreamy or misty effect to your photos. This tutorial works best with nature related images.”

How to create a lense baby effect in Photoshop by Nicora.net

“I will be the first to say right away that this technique does not exactly replicate what Lensbabies can achieve. In fact I discovered this technique without even having Lensbabies in my mind, but instead later realized there are some similarities. Anyway, lets jump into the tutorial.”

Create your own web 2.0 button, by hongkiat.com

“Photoshop tutorials are probably one of the hottest categories in any Photoshop tutorials site and since Web 2.0 is such hot topics now, lets go about doing a simple button suitable for any Web 2.0 application of websites.”

Making a realistic star field, by artofgregmartin.com

“Let’s face it: stars can be really hard to draw. I’m not talking about the singular balls of blazing gasses, though, I’m talking about the subtle and beautiful star fields that make a piece of celestial art what it is: a portrayal of space.”

Let me tell you about my wife…

Sep 22, 2008 Married Life 5 Comments

Since this week marks our 6th anniversary together, I thought I’d share with the internets just what kind of person it is that I’ve married. It’s hard to pick a place to start, actually, since there are so many qualities about you that I find not just attractive, but qualities that I think everyone should have. I’ll do my best, though. In no particular order:

She cares about people. This one might seem like a no-brainer. After all, who doesn’t care about people? But in reality, most folks *say* they care, but they don’t care about anyone but themselves. There are a great many people that my wife can’t stand and a great many things that people do that she hates, but when push comes to shove, she really feels empathy and heartache for those that truly deserve it. It doesn’t matter if the person is family or a complete stranger, she simply cares for them. If you are one of her friends, count yourself among the very lucky.

She cares about animals. There’s a terrific quote that she’s used on more than one occasion, “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” Were any nation to be judged by her ability to care for, and sacrifice for, our little furry and feathered friends they would be judged among the truly great. Rarely have I seen anyone with such a depth of feeling for those unable to speak for themselves. She not only offers what aid she can when she is able, but lends them a voice through her writing. When an animal feels joy, she feels joy. When an animal is in pain, she feels it with them and does what she can to stop it. Only raw willpower on my part has kept us from adopting every needy animal in the state and if we ever had the money, you’d better believe she’d be sitting somewhere surrounded by abandoned and needy animals of every size and shape.

She has a great sense of humor. Aside from laughing at my jokes, which is really important, she also knows when not to laugh. There are a lot of people claiming to be funny these days, but the sad truth is that most of them aren’t. besides showing a great deal of taste in deciding “what is funny,” she has an infectious laugh and silly attitude that makes the best of days even better and brighter. This, of course, isn’t truly possible without noting that…

She is intelligent. She would argue with you on this one, but I contend it is impossible to have the above three qualities and *not* be intelligent. Also throw into the mix that she usually gets what I’m saying when I’m rambling along and that she can code old-school style despite the fact that when she and I first met she, in her own words, “could barely find the on button.” In the short time I’ve known her I’ve watched her soak up computer information as fast as I ever did and learn to write a heck of a lot more creatively than I ever could.

She is a geek! This is important! It’s pretty hard for us old-school geek guys to find women that match up with us. Old school geekage is a lot more, well… geeky that the newer brand. She has a discerning eye for quality sci-fi and fantasy and can sit and read and/or watch either for hours without getting bored (as long as the quality is up to snuff). Anyone who can sit and watch all three LoTR movies or all the Star Wars films in a marathon is jake with me!

She is strong. And while she is indeed stronger physically than she gives herself credit for, I mean inside. She’s not had a particularly easy life and I am certainly not the easiest person to live with, but she has pushed her way stubbornly through it and still managed to retain her humanity. The fact I am still alive should be more than enough evidence!

She is talented. She has a better writing style than I’ve ever been able to muster, sure I can figure out the gear-works behind a story, but when it comes to bringing it to life, she’s the one that gives a character breath. She’s also taken so quickly to photography that I’m starting to think she was born to it. I’ve always *wanted* an eye for a good picture, but she has it and manages to capture it on film for us all to enjoy.

She is beautiful, both inside and out. She has a wonderful child-like sense of wonder in the world around her (and especially Disney!) that I find just… freakin’ fantastic. It lights up the room and is about the only thing that I can look forward to at the end of a day filled with crazies to lift my spirits. She also happens to be one hell of a looker! She would pretty much think you were insane for saying so. Well, I’m here to tell you that on this occasion, she’s 100% wrong. It’s quite acceptable for you all to tell her so. It’s hard to explain just how stunning it is to watch her, especially when she’s really concentrating, like when he’s taking a photograph.

Lastly and certainly not least, she can cook. Sure, she may be picky about what goes inter her food but no one can argue the end result. I’ve seen her try recipe from nearly every culture and even experiment with them… and I’ve gobbled every one up. She’s adventurous and daring when it comes to new flavors.

So *this* is the person I married and only the few things I could managed to pound out on the keyboard with my club-hands. It’s times like this that you realize just how limited words really are.

Happy Anniversary! I love you, angel! Here’s to 70 more!

WTF, Fox?!

Sep 21, 2008 Misc 1 Comment

Ok, so I know I’m a little slow on this one. Forgive me for being a late convert to the cause.

A couple years ago we purchased and watched Serenity, the feature adaption of the Firefly television series by Joss Whedon. We loved it. We found it amusing, poignant, containing just the right amount of action and smart. Enjoying the movie as we did, we began to discuss the series. I had thought that perhaps there was something about the series that differentiated it hugely from the movie. I figured something had to have been missing from the series that the movie put back, because the movie was just freakin’ great and there is just no way a studio would have kicked it to the curb.

Neither of us had the chance to do more than catch a few pieces of a couple episodes of the original series when it aired in 2002. I was working nights at the time. Since we shared a computer back then, the other half crammed all her computer delicious time in while I was at work. Well, times have changed juuuuust a little a bit since then. So, after catching another half-episode on TV a few nights ago, I decided to get my hands on the DVD of the original series and really sit down and watch it.

All I can say is, “WTF, Fox?! What the hell is wrong with you?”

The writing was still smart. At times the writing for some individual episodes far surpassed the film. I’m thinking of “Out of Gas” here for those familiar with the show. The script sparkled with a genuine-ness that just isn’t usually found in many of the series being pumped out today. The marvelous mix of cultures, languages and genres seemed made to fit together. It seemed real and it just made sense. The very fact that they didn’t spend half the show using huge made-up spacey-sounding words made the Firefly universe far more realistic and believable, not less (and yes, I’m glaring at you, ST:TNG).

The universe was actually interesting, and not just because it was full of human shaped-aliens with weird foreheads. It wasn’t quite dystopia, but it also wasn’t full of sunshine and roses. The post-civil war, quasi-western-in-space setting, while not new in concept, is pulled off beautifully in an originally imagined way. Between Star Wars and Star Trek (especially Star Trek), the *visual* face of sci-fi had fallen into a few predictable conventions. These conventions made even the shiniest new sci-fi always feel somewhat similar.

Obviously, some of this is on purpose. Movie writers and makers watched the same sci-fi as the rest of us and thus gain their inspiration from the same places. Familiarity makes people comfortable and helps them understand whatever technical mumbo-jumbo gets thrown around. By skipping out on much of the BS technical jargon, Firefly skips the need for sticking to convention and gives their universe a feeling of realness that is somehow lacking in most of the other sci-fi.

The cast had just as much chemistry. This especially surprised me, since pretty much every cast starts off horribly. These guys seemed like the series had been on the air for 10 years. Make sure you’re on an empty stomach and go back and watch the “Encounter at Farpoint,” episode of ST:TNG. If you aren’t throwing up just a little by the end, you are clearly overdosing on your meds. Now, watch “Inner Light” a few seasons later. This is how things normally work. Start with writers and a cast and slowly develop the relationships over a few seasons until they work. Eventually they come together and something great happens.

Not so with Firefly. From the very first episode they seemed like they belonged together. The palpable sense of fun and enjoyment you get form the actors is as obvious as the gray hairs on my head. Everything about these people being together seemed genuine; The friendship between Zoe and Reynolds was well tested and a great deal of their communication went unsaid. The friendship between Kaylee and River or (Kaylee and Inara) had the feel of freshly made friends; full of energy and newness to it.

If anything the series was actually better than the movie. I loved the movie. It’s what interested me in paying more attention to the series. Based on the time between the series and the movie, I *expected* to see the embryonic beginnings complete with all it’s false-steps and starts. What I saw was polish from the very first episode. Not “The Train Job,” which was the first episode aired and one made specifically for the morons over at Fox. Sure it was a fine episode, but the first episode that Whedon created was “Serenity,” and it is just an awesome start to a series. It is perfect introduction to a complex cast. It’s full of nuance and subtlety that even far more mature series are missing.

I’m not sure what the hell the folks over at Fox were smoking that made them think this series was somehow lacking but it was some grade-A shit. Rarely have I watched a better start to a series, or a better series period, for that matter. The series had a great mix of drama, humor and action and that was *after* the suits over at Fox screwed with it. If this series had been given the time to grow it would have been something amazing to watch on a weekly basis. For those of us that actually sat down and watched these, after only 14 episodes, it was already something special.