Mel’s Motherfuckin’ cook book: Stroganoff

I am a selective carnivore. That’s right. I only eat the animals I like, such as chicken, fish, cute baby lambs and occaionally pigs. Generally I cannot stand beef meat, but I like the flavor of beef. So what to do when I want Beef stroganoff without the beef but still have the chest-hair-curling flavor of delicious cow?

Ground turkey my friends. Yes. You heard me. Ground turkey picks up the beef flavor fantastically and is meat. So win-win all around. I made a remark on my twitter a couple of days ago as to how beef broth and the ground turkey seemed to work and someone from face book asked me for the recipe. I wrote this on the spot as a comment on facebook and copy-pasted at my live journal, so: forgive any typos and the re-post, but it got good reception so I thought I’d share it with all of you.

INGREDIENTS:

  • 1 big ass package of Jenny O ground turkey, or at least 2 pounds. Pure ground turkey breast is leaner and better for you but it doesn’t have much fat in it. And as horrible as the truth is, fat makes shit taste good.
  • 1 tablespoon dry mustard powder
  • 2lbs or 32 oz of Beef broth. Yes. You heard me, TWO POUNDS. You can’t motherfucking have the manliest, meatiest stroganoff that will taste like you just rode a cow into your meal if you don’t use at least this much. But I suppose if you’re what Arnold might call a leetle girlie mahn than you could use less. I use this much because a) I am fat and b) it lasts forever. FOREVER. You hear me? FOREVER.
  • 1 huge mother fuckin’ vidalia or sweet onion
  • 2 lbs of baby ‘bella shrooms
  • 1 huge can of cream of mushroom soup, or 2 cans of your preferred fancy-shmancy cream of mushroom that doesn’t come in we-poor-folk family sized can. Condensed is fine, as it will make the sauce thick.
  • Salt & Pepper to taste
  • 2-3 Tablespoons of chopped garlic (cook’s preference) or 1 tablespoon dry garlic powder
  • 2 cups sour cream (light, no-fat, full of fat, whatever your preference is. Seriously.)
  • Egg noodles
  • Crock pot*** This is essential because you will never reach deity-hood if you do not have a crock pot to cook this motherfuckin’ food of the gods in. Slow cooking on low heat for at least 2+ hours is a must for a stroganoff that punches you in the face with flavor.
  • COOKING:

  • In your crock pot empty your cream of mushroom soup & your beef stock, stir well or if you’re made of win and awesome and have a whisk–whisk together and leave the poor schmucks using a spoon behind. (Everything will incorporate once heated, so don’t worry.)
  • In your favorite skillet that you whisper sweet, sweet nothings to, place your ground turkey in at about medium to medium high-heat.
  • Sprinkle in your dried/spoon in your chopped garlic.
  • Sprinkle in your dry mustard.
  • Shake in salt & Pepper.
  • Splash a tiny bit of the beef broth into the turkey. I estimate I might have splashed no more than 1/4th of a cup, because I’m a mad ass mother fucker like that.
  • Using your spatula or spoon, break up ground turkey into pieces that will suit your raw power. Cook turkey until it stops screaming for mercy and is no longer pink in any sized piece.
  • Place ground turkey into your crock pot.
  • Dice your onion and throw it back into the pan of Turkey Murder–leave the juice of your ground up turkey in the pan (don’t clean it) and add a tablespoon of olive oil. It’s sweet death will make the onions happy, but usually there is very little juice left from browning ground Turkey so a little olive oil will help the onions.
  • When the onions are translucent and a touch brown around the edges, toss those bitches into the crock pot.
  • Chop, slice or dice your baby bellas (however you like them you fancy hooker) and toss them back into the same pan you cooked the turkey and onions in.
  • *****MEL NOTE*****
    I like to sear my mushrooms. To do that, I add a pat of butter, turn the pan up to medium-high, and toss about 2 teaspoons of salt or a pinch of sea salt over them, then stir quickly to coat with butter and salt and then leave be until they are brown and crispy. Stir. Leave be until brown and crispy. Once cooked down I toss them into the Crock pot. If you are going to attempt to sear your mushrooms it’s best to do so when you know you can hover over your pan like your ex hovered over your shoulder really annoyingly whenever you tried to read to ensure your ‘shrooms don’t turn into cinders.
    *****END MEL NOTE*****

  • Once your shrooms have cooked down, toss them into the crock pot.
  • Add a dash of salt and more pepper if you think it might need it.
  • If your crockpot was forged in the testicles of Satan and therefore, tends to get hot, turn it on to LOW and let the mushroom soup, beef broth, onions, mushrooms and turkey cook.
  • If your crock pot is a delicate little tempermental flower that takes seven hours to melt an icecube, set it on HIGH for 2 hours but KEEP AN EYE ON THAT WHINY BITCH.
  • Stir occasionally to ensure you don’t set fire to it and your house.
  • 20-30 minutes before serving, stir in your sour cream. Your mixture should be creamy and thick, not watery or broth-y. If it is, you can always google thickener tricks (such as cornstarch and water or flour and water) to help thicken it up. You don’t want jello, you just want the consistency of a very creamy soup.
  • After placing the Sour cream in the crock pot, boil your egg noodles. Drain, plate, and spoon like a fucking Stroganoff commando the sauce over noodles. Eat it, and watch your enemies be crushed, driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women.