If there is anything I can say about myself with 100% certainty 100% of the time, it would be that I am always trying.
Sometimes, I’m trying new things. Sometimes I am trying more new things. Other times, I am trying to exist or trying to be a better person or trying my damnedest not to be an angry pit of despair. Whatever it is, I’m trying, o.k?
Like you are trying. Or at least, I think everyone should be trying. Trying to write more, trying to fight the good fight, trying to do whatever it is we can do in the limited scope and time we have.
Currently, I am trying YouTube again, with some changes. A different YouTube channel specifically for my makeup experiments, reviews, skin care over and 40 and my bullet journal. Until Youtube gets its shit together on the LGBTQ front, I don’t plan on monetizing. Surprisingly–and I know you’ve not actually ever heard this before–but I am not, in fact, in it for the money. I just kept hearing so many of my friends say things like, “I’m too old to start,” and, “I could never do that.” Or worse, “I could never look like that.” All of these things I have heard come out of my own mouth and I want to try and prove myself and others, wrong. You can do it. You can try.
I don’t know if I will ever return to streaming. The irony in that rests with the fact that I am just not comfortable or mentally thrilling enough to keep up a one to two hour stream of chit-chat. Live, at least.
So here I am talking about a YouTube channel?
Well, the benefits of a YouTube channel is that I can at least edit it to try to sound like I have in fact used my talky-talk noises to make coherent words once or twice before. I am not good at the air words. I am better at the eye words–I think–these reading words at least.
I’m officially 2 weeks cigarette free. The cravings are…there. They are less, but not any less intense when they do hit. I’ve been smoking on and off since I was 15 years old. I’m 41 now. That’s a lot of addicted behaviors to rework out of my life and my brain.
I have been working on a gorgeous new bullet journal purchased with my hard earned dollar bills with a newer, better job. And I think I am doing o.k. with that. I am currently struggling against perfection as it rears its ugly head to tell me that I must create the absolutely perfect bullet journal spread or else it is a complete waste of money!Q!!1!! to have gotten this journal and then WHY bother starting it in the first place if you can’t do it right?
It’s fun being me! But see what I mean? I’m trying.
Will this work out? This YouTube thing? Who knows. The internet has never been kind to those of use who look less than stellar at all times or simply appear average at best, and it certainly isn’t terribly friendly to diversity despite the beautiful voices out there and long strides taken toward it.
As always, I never really know where I am going with these posts. I’m not (and here’s another bit of irony) very SEO about my personal WordPress. I don’t have a call to arms. Or a rally point. I didn’t use bullet points and my keywords are mess. Look, I even forgot headers. I am a mess.
You could say I’m a…Hot Pink Unicorn Mess.
But I did try and make sure I wrote something this week.