Last updated on October 23, 2018
Things I learned from my mother:
- How to pick out the most expensive thing; be it coffee, food, perfume or makeup without even trying.
- If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again or until you’ve blown $800.
- If you are going to belch in a diner full of Truckers, go for the gold.
- Baby shit is not a viable paint.
- You don’t have to wear make-up if you don’t want to.
- Music, especially your favorite music cranked up as loud as it will go, makes everything better.
- Laugh like no one is watching so they can’t make fun of the snorting you do in between the crying and peeing yourself a little bit while you chortle like a hyena.
- If you have porkchops, onions, green peppers, mushrooms and butter you can make one of the tastiest fucking pan fried meals, cheap.
- Beer is okay. Five are better.
- Friends are meant to fill their bellies in your kitchen after spending the day with you laughing and talking.
- It’s ALWAYS time for Tim Hortons, bitches
- Laugh
- Taking yourself too seriously is never fun
- It’s okay to indulge yourself if you really need too, especially in times of stress and not feel guilty about it.
- Keep the small things that are important to you, even if they don’t make sense to anyone else. Material things disappear, memories remain.
- Ladies do, indeed, fart.
- Drive an extra mile around the corner: you never know what you will find.
- If you ask a child under the age of 15, “What are you doing?” And they take a few seconds to reply, “…Nothin’.” DO NOT BELIEVE THAT CHILD. RUN. FIND THEM NOW.
- Second hand doesn’t mean garbage. There’s no shame in wearing or owning something someone else owned.
- If you’re a whiny little shithead, the world probably won’t give you what you want and in fact, may just ignore you in a grocery aisle while you scream for chips.
- Love. Love passionately, love fully, love even when it hurts.