Demure, originally uploaded by MellyJellyBeans.
I am writing to you today to perchance, help stave off those uncomfortable moments that arise from time to time in a relationship such as ours.
There are a few things we need to discover and touch base with, if you would–if we’re to continue living in the same space as one another.
- Please stop eating my long blond hair. I don’t know what is in my hair that is delicious but I would very much like it if you’d stop chowing down on it as if it were smothered in bacon fat rolled up in a burrito of mouse. You see, it is all well and good for you when you eat it–you are not the one who must chase you around the house with toilet paper in hand because your poop has now transformed into some twisted poop-candy-stringed necklace flailing out of your backside.
- My bathroom mat is high Walmart fashion. It’s a mat that matches the rest of my bathroom and I am rather fond of the celestial theme. However, it has come to my attention that perhaps you do not enjoy it as much as I. The long line of once-eaten dry food, spread out artistically from one end of the mat to the other seems to be a clear indication to me of your feelings toward our bathroom mat. Not only have you shared your opinion with us once, but three times within a week. I’m sorry that you do not enjoy the trailer trash decor, but since you don’t seem to be pulling in any money to help redecorate could you refrain from horking your dinner across it?
- Poop is not the new black, pink or new cat-toy. If you could refrain from throwing it out of your litter box at warp speeds, that would be fantastic.
- Lastly, the cockatiel is not a sweet candy wrapped in a hard outer shell of cage for you to bat at, at three am in the morning.
You may however, continue without restraint: licking noses and fingers, purring loudly, prrrrt’ing like a momma cat to kittens any time we pass, running at four hundred miles an hour from one end of the house to the other, dragging a sock around as if it was your kitten and MEERRROOOWWWING loud enough to be heard in the next state, chasing lizards, bugs, cockroaches and spiders. And last, but never least, you may continue being that soft, black blur out of the corner of my eye everywhere I go, bringing me comfort in bastet-like poise and the ticking quiet of contented cat purrs.
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