Timing is Everything
Aug 30, 2008 Humor
So, a couple weeks ago I was speaking to an otherwise intelligent but very, very Christian co-worker about the fact she is letting her teen daughter go to the launch night for some new vampire book. I expressed a bit of surprise that she was letting her daughter go to such secular festivities. Her reply: “I don’t believe it, of course, I’m a Christian, but I believe that my kids are smart enough to tell the difference between reality and made-up nonsense like people rising from the grave and living forever and that sort of nonsense.”
Maybe if those pesky vampires waited three days before rising from the grave?
Some Handy tips from your neighborhood Credit Union Representative
Aug 20, 2008 Tips, Tricks & Tutorials
Image by Getty Images via Daylife I’ve been remiss in posting lately and it’s largely because I’ve been spending a lot of time with my always demanding customers. For those of you that don’t know, I work as a manager in the customer service department of a credit union. During these many extra hours of work, I’ve come to one conclusion: approximately 99% of the public is incapable of dealing with their finances without making an ass of themselves.
Even under normal circumstances, the calls I receive are far from organized or intelligent. Now, however, with all this induced panic, things are even worse. So, as a public service, allow me to offer you some helpful hints on how to deal with your finances.
1. Have your account number ready. This is pretty much the bare minimum you can bring to the game. At my credit union, the account numbers are 5-6 digits long. Contained and accessed by these 6 numbers, for most of my callers, is every dime they own. The very least you can do is remember it. It’s not that damn hard! And the next one of you that says “I knew you were going to ask for that,” is going to have my headset shoved directly up your nose. If you knew it, why didn’t you have it?! God damnit!
2. If you don’t know that, at least know something. The number of people that call who only know their damn name astonishes me. I’m not looking up your name because, in case you’ve noticed, Roberts and Smith are fairly common names, douchebag.
3. Don’t call unprepared. If you got a letter you had a question about, have the letter. If you have a receipt that you thought was wrong, have the receipt. If you put me on hold for 10 minutes, the call may mysteriously disconnect. There are literally hundreds of other people behind you.
4. Don’t lie. We can tell. Don’t tell me that you were logging on and checking your account and suddenly something happened to our website and it logged you off and locked you out. I can see all your attempts. I can see your lies and your shame. Careful or I’ll tell everyone in the church you donate to about your sinful dishonesty… and all the porn rentals.
5. Don’t think you are going to get anything accomplished by being a dick. I usually am far less helpful when people act like tools on the phone. I’ll offer hints and tricks for those people being civil. We also can and will hang up on you… and with a great sense of satisfaction. So watch the F-bombs when you screw your account up.
6. English is the language of the land. “Um, I needs to axe me some inquirimies about mah checkins accounts,” is *not* English, Darantavious and/or Latreya. For the love of all that’s holy, it’s called a “Checking” account. And please don’t say big words when you can’t handle them. The word is “inquiries.” Also: people who can’t say “ask” correctly should be forbidden bank accounts… and air. It’s not that hard of a word!
7. “I have a question about some fees…” And that question is: can I have them back? I know it and you know it. Don’t beat around the bush. Ask me politely so I can say no and you can get all pissed and hang up. Oh, and rich people? You are not entitled to them back. No, I don’t care if you will close your account. The last thing I’ll get is your $30 for the check you wrote while knowing the huge deposit hadn’t cleared yet, asshole. And, yes, I am the supervisor, so be quiet. The answer is still no.
8. When we do make mistakes, and we will since we’re made up of actual people, don’t repeat “this is unacceptable” over and over as if fixing the problem is not enough. I’m going to fix your problem… I am not going give you a big cartoon sack with a dollar sign on it for your trouble. When I tell you of a mistake I will also detail how we’ll be fixing it. Say you understand or that you hate us or that you’re taking your money and be done with it. I can only fix the mistake; I can’t fill the empty hole in your soul.
9. When you don’t get your way, don’t threaten us. We will do what we can to make the most people happy, but that doesn’t mean bending our rules just because you’ve been with us 5 million years or have 2 million dollars here. When people say “I guess I’ll just have to take my money and go elsewhere,” over a $15 wire fee we’re all secretly thinking, “Yay! Go! One less call for me!” Please give us a call back and let me know what you think when you find out that every other financial institution in town has higher fees.”
10. This one is really important. You are not a banker. I don’t care who you know or who you worked with or what you read. I will tell you the answer, you will accept it. We will be done. Amen.
So please, the next time you pick up the phone to call your personal financial institution, remember these few guidelines. Remember that the man behind that call is someone like me and that he has done nothing to earn your hatred.
Unless it’s Bank of America. Fuck those guys.
It could have…. stuff…
Mar 12, 2008 Humor
First-up form the bat-shit crazy files: I Can’t Eat That!
I bring you the story of one of my co-workers, we’ll call her Debbie. Debbie is surprisingly normal on the surface. She’s at the very least marginally intelligent, not at all some of the pond slime I worked with at past jobs. She’s polite; even soft spoken. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not remarkable, but she’s not a drooling phone monkey either.
So, yon magical eve a couple days ago the staff I oversee at night and I were discussing our favorite subject: food. This topic was brought to the fore because on of the other departments had offered us some of the Mexican buffet they were having. While I didn’t partake because we had Mexican cooking at home, I made the rounds to make sure everyone knew there was free grub. No mere Taco bell was this, but instead high grade Mexican from a local joint called Southwestern Grill (of course). Think 1 pound burritos with real shredded grilled beef. Mmmm.
As I passed by Debbie’s desk to let her know the following conversation took place:
Me: “Hey, don’t forget, free burritos down the hall”
Her: “I don’t eat Mexican; too dirty.”
Me: (bitter sarcastic laughter, figuring she’s thinking Taco bell) “No, this is good stuff, seriously, Southwest grill”
Her: “No I can’t eat it, it might have stuff in it.”
Me: “It does have stuff as it’s a burrito, ithas rice, beans and delicious, delicious dead cow inside it.”
Her: “No, you know… stuff.”
Well, a little probing and it turns out there are literally hundreds of things she won’t eat because she thinks there might be “something” in it. She can’t eat Chinese because they actually all use cat and dog meat, you can’t eat KFC because they deep fry rats *all* the time, “I saw it on the internet.” All mexican food, even if you make it yourself is “dirty.”
Then came best: She can’t eat, and swear I’m not making this up, “anything white, because, you know, well… um… because of what’s in it.” Not because of what some long told internet story said what might be in it, but what, absolutely is. I asked her if she could eat it if she made it herself, because, you know, Alfredo sauce is fucking delicious. The answer? No.
I’m truly stunned by just how paranoid a person can be and still be functional. Amazing! Just think, someone near you, is just as fucking crazy as this woman. If not, than it’s you.
