The top 10 surefire ways to make your husband think you are absolutely insane.
Sep 27, 2008 Married Life
If the incident with the peanut butter jar and the olive oil didn’t convince him, here are my personal top 10 best ways to prove beyond a doubt to your husband you’re completely nuts. Take it from me, they really work!
Would you like some bread?
Stay up more than twenty four hours. In fact, go for beyond three days if possible until the carpet starts waving like the ocean at your feet. When you finally feel like your brain is ready to let you slip into a sweet, sweet coma grab your pajama pants and:
- Attempt to put your foot into them without looking. Trust me, when you’ve gone forever without sleep and you feel like you’ve just gone the distance with a kegger or two, it’s nigh impossible to do without killing yourself and taking several other people with you.
- Fall flat on your face immediately after trying to put one single toe in a leg of your pajamas.
- Rise up triumphantly, giggling madly, and wrap the jammie bottoms around your head as if you were a beggar woman from Soviet Russia (where Jammies eat YOU). Ask him clearly if he “would like some bread?” in an awful Russian facsimile accent.
Juggle your boobs.
This is a personal favorite of mine and one I like to do when my husband, Shawn, is fully engrossed in watching television or playing a game. It’s simple to do, just go to wherever your husband is and start juggling the girls. If you really want to leave an impression, I recommend that you hum a few bars of circus-like music.
Tell him you could be a bond girl.
But not just any bond girl. Wake up from a dead sleep in the middle of night after suffering a bought of stomach bugs, sit straight up, look at your husband and declare, “I could be a bond girl. Mrs…Mrs…Mrs. Chubblepenny.” Get up, use the bathroom, return to bed and go right back to sleep. Ladies, feel free to get creative with the bond girl names.
Lick his eyeball.
In a particularly romantic moment be it in bed or just holding hands wherever you are, when he comes in closer for that slow, sweet kiss, dive your head forward and go for his cheek. Except have absolutely no aim what-so-ever and miss, directly hitting his eye ball. You will win the entirety of the internet if you act calm and tell him in a nonchalant manner that’s exactly what you planned on doing.
Ask him for a Pony at completely random times and places.
I chose the grocery check-out line of our local Publix grocery store to loudly ask for a pony. You could always try for a far classier place, like Target or Wal-mart, or try for rooms with better acoustics for that great wtf is wrong with you? look old ladies will give you as they pass you buy.
Things to do while he’s driving
- Reach over and grab his man boob, or if you prefer, manly pectoral muscle and while squeezing, make car-honking noises.
- While he’s passing cars along the highway, make sure to make TIE fighter sound effects for each car passed.
- Roll down the window and shout about damn kids and their new fangled dance music.
- Ask if you can put the car in reverse, timing is everything. It’s best to ask when he’s navigating a difficult turn or in the middle of crazy traffic.
Pew Pew!
Grab your pet cat, hold him or her like a laser rifle and make approximate Star-Warsish pewpew! noises.
Adorn your feet in a vast array of décor.
The stranger, the better. If you can’t get a hold of the always fabulous Cthuhlu slippers, I recommend this fabulous pair pictured above.
Appliances are super fun.
When he brings home the new coffee machine equipped with metal carafe for keeping the coffee hot for several hours after brewing, have a little creative fun with that. Notice how the carafe makes a distinctive sword-drawn-out-of-scabbard sound often used in the movie and remove the carafe from the machine multiple times just to hear it. You’ll make a lasting impression if, while doing so, you mimic the shiiiiingshiiiing cadence of metal to metal.
Do things that make absolutely no sense to any human being, what-so-ever.
Using your favorite tea or coffee thermal cup, fill it with your favorite hot drink. Be fooled by the small top which only allows a small amount of liquid to come through and into your mouth. Remove the top thinking all is well and fill your mouth with blistering hot drink. In a complete and total moment of panic, only knowing that you want the burning acid liquid out of your mouth and want it out now—open your mouth and try to spit it out into your hand. Except, this is when you realize the tea/coffee/hot drink is too hot for your hand and try to shake it away, thus, dropping a handful of still piping hot tea onto your right boob.
This is 100% proven by yours truly. I can say without a doubt that I have done all of this and more. And the most amazing thing, ladies, is that he is still with me today and some how thinks that I am an alright sorta chick to be married to.
Good luck, ladies, and let me know how it works out for you!
Tags: Married Life, mel, mel&shawn, silly
“And that’s how they found them; dead and still strangling one another.”
Mar 15, 2008 Married Life
We’re getting ready to go out somewhere, the both of us are crowded in the bathroom—I’m putting eye liner on and he’s brushing his hair. I look over at his reflection in the mirror and notice his skirt.
When I’m getting ready to go out some where, really getting ready—the make up, the nice clothes, the hair and so on—I get so easily frustrated at myself. I don’t know why I do this, I want to be perfect but I know I’m not. I’m round and blubbery and plain. But for some reason my mind says that it’s just because I can’t get myself together right, then I get angry at myself and bitchy.
So I notice his shirt and decide to channel all of this into him instead, “Look at your shirt. Look at it. It’s covered in hamster piss. That is a nice shirt, why didn’t you take it off?”
He stares at me in an incredulous manner.
“My god, now it’s all stained and it’ll probably never fucking come out. You do this ALL the time; you wear your nice shirts and get them all stained up and never think about wearing a bad one to clean or change hamsters cages with. I want to go eat somewhere nice but noooooooOooooooooooooooo, we can’t, now, because your shirt’s all covered in hamster piss and grease and–”
“I know you’re going to shut up.”
“–we won’t -what?” I splutter.
“I know you’re going to shut up about this. Because you WEAR MY SHIRTS MISS COFFEE AND HOT CHOCOLATE AND MILK ALL OVER MY SHIRTS. MY SHIRTS. THAT YOU WEAR. MINE. ALL THE TIME”
“….I..it..I’ll.” I realize that he’s won, of course.
“I’m leaving the bathroom, now,” as he strode triumphantly through the door.
I love the fact that when I’m being ridiculous, instead of choking me to death he comes at it with humor and logic, which is good because I am lacking the latter a lot.
Tags: Married Life
Reasons why I love Shawn.
Mar 14, 2008 Married Life
Several moons ago I was watching one of the many little viral internet videos of Blood Elves, a race of characters from World of Warcraft, doing their high-class little Brittany Spears dance. This was well before Shawn got himself his second pair of glasses.
From behind me, I hear Shawn ask, “What–what is that? Is that a–That looks like a bear bleeding spaghetti from its vagina.”
It’s hard to describe the sort of profound silence that befell me then, as I slowly swiveled about in my computer chair to ogle wide-eyed at the delightful, wonderful man I am spending the rest of my life with. I stared at him staring at me, a tumble weed may have gone by, the clock ticked.
Sheepishly within the edible quiet, he finally added, “I should probably get my eyes checked, huh?”
Indeed, my good man. Indeed.
Tags: husband, Married Life, oddball, shawn
How do I love thee? Let me count the geek.
Mar 6, 2008 Geekery
It’s when you’re in the car with the bumper stickers of your teh suck!11one!1 and your skill in reading has increased by 1 point that he becomes animated in his discussion of John Williams and no matter what people say about him, he did a brilliant job with the score of Star Wars.
It’s when he leans over to hit the CD button and play, telling you how awesome this part is right here, and that you should listen because it really is brilliant. You know, the part when Yoda lifts the X-Wing out of the swamp.
And he says, “Listen, listen. Ba-da-baaa,” already humming the music before it starts, knowing it by heart.
It’s then you’re struck by how fantastically geeky he is, roll your eyes and tell him you’re not going to listen!
And then you listen.
Tags: geek, love, Married Life, shawn
