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I see them every where on the internet, “top ten ways to make your relationship last!” and, “top seven ways to make your wife happy for the man who really likes to kick himself in the groinal area.” Let’s not mention the ads on television for 29 dimensions of pay-us-and-you’llOMGTOTALLY be so happy!  Shove all this crap the internet is telling you about relationships and how to make them last, and let us crotchety geeks tell you how it’s really done.

It’s okay to fart.

And I don’t mean for you to run down the hallway to your loved one right now and let one rip that would make any burly woodsman proud.

What I mean is this: be honest about who you are. Don’t present a false you for someone to fall in love with, because chances are that several weeks, months, or years into the relationship when the curtain finally arises on the real you…Your partner may end up disenchanted, to say the least, in what’s happened to her ‘perfect prince,’ or his ‘princess.’

Don’t lie about what comes within the package. How can you expect someone to fall in love with a fake-you?

Size does matter.

Small things matter far more than we give credit, no matter the relationship. Remembering their favorite song, what they told you their favorite childhood toy was, what they said that made you burst into guffaws, a secret, a small tidbit of personal info? It sticks with them. It tells them that you are listening and that you do care.

If you think the person you are in love with will never hurt you, please go back to whatever happygoodtimefun rainbow planet you come from.

We’re human. There isn’t a single solitary perfect human amongst us, and anyone who tells you they are, or their relationship is sunshine, roses, and glitter being blasted from their butts twenty-four-seven is full of crap.

When you love someone and really commit to them, you give them all the means necessary to break your heart into itty, bitty, teeny weeny pieces. You give them fodder to use in arguments that hurt for weeks, or maybe even months after. You give them material to use against you when they are feeling particularly out of sorts—and this is part and parcel of loving someone, you tell them things you wouldn’t tell anyone else.

You will get hurt and you will hurt the person you love. It’s going to happen. What will set you apart from all the 23023920320329 couples who call it quits five seconds into their first argument is the willingness to understand this and work through it.

Relationships are hard work. Take it from Shawn, who said as I read this part to him: “That’s true. I’ve let you live this long, haven’t I?”

Loving and being with someone takes effort. If you aren’t willing to put any of that into a relationship then stick to friends-with-benefits.

The six hours of marathon sex and weeks of Disney-esque staring into each others eyes is hard work, too.

Well, duh on the six hours marathon sex part–but yes, romance is hard work too!  We’re not telling you to spend hours of your day in between the bills, the kids, the job, the e-mails, the messages, the soccer games, the meetings, the sales pitches to think of elaborate romanticle plots of doom. But a kiss at the right moment, a word here and there, a simple card, a single flower, a little note every day or two can go a long way.

Show your partner you love them in a simple, small way everyday to help keep the spark and fire alive.

Give and take, not take take-takety-take-plus-taking-a-million and some more take and..oh, give nothing back.

No matter what “it” is. If you ask your partner to accept your flaws, your obsessions, your imperfections, if you ask your partner to work through your issues as patiently as possible, the chores, whatever it is–you have to give a little back.

This relationship is 50/50 business is not correct. Some times it’s 10/90, some times it’s 80/20, there are days where it feels like it’s 0/100. That’s how it goes, so long as it isn’t always like this. Loving someone IS a game of give-and-take, daily. Balancing it can become entirely impossible, but as long as the scales aren’t tipped so ridiculously in either court it can work. You can’t lay back, scratch your butt and expect him to bring you chocolates on a platter seven times a day….As much I dream this possible, it just isn’t fair.

So in a nutshell, to keep a healthy relationship alive you really only need to:

• Be honest about who you are, accept your partner for who they are.
• Remember the small things
• Put aside the fear of getting hurt, learn to work through it
• Do something to remind your partner you love them everyday if you can.
• Give a little when you take a little.

And that’s how the two of us haven’t killed one another…yet. Ahem!

Pretty easy when it’s like this, isn’t it? We realized long ago that no relationship is ever perfect nor easy, but if you are willing to work through it and stick to it—it can come damn close.

It also helps a little bit if you’re both giant nerds and a little insane, but that’s for another day. For those of you in relationships going on years, what’s worked for you?

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