The top 10 surefire ways to make your husband think you are absolutely insane.

If the incident with the peanut butter jar and the olive oil didn’t convince him, here are my personal top 10 best ways to prove beyond a doubt to your husband you’re completely nuts. Take it from me, they really work!

Would you like some bread?

Stay up more than twenty four hours. In fact, go for beyond three days if possible until the carpet starts waving like the ocean at your feet. When you finally feel like your brain is ready to let you slip into a sweet, sweet coma grab your pajama pants and:

• Attempt to put your foot into them without looking. Trust me, when you’ve gone forever without sleep and you feel like you’ve just gone the distance with a kegger or two, it’s nigh impossible to do without killing yourself and taking several other people with you.
• Fall flat on your face immediately after trying to put one single toe in a leg of your pajamas.
• Rise up triumphantly, giggling madly, and wrap the jammie bottoms around your head as if you were a beggar woman from Soviet Russia (where Jammies eat YOU). Ask him clearly if he “would like some bread?” in an awful Russian facsimile accent.

Juggle your boobs.

This is a personal favorite of mine and one I like to do when my husband, Shawn, is fully engrossed in watching television or playing a game. It’s simple to do, just go to wherever your husband is and start juggling the girls. If you really want to leave an impression, I recommend that you hum a few bars of circus-like music.

Tell him you could be a bond girl.

But not just any bond girl. Wake up from a dead sleep in the middle of night after suffering a bought of stomach bugs, sit straight up, look at your husband and declare, “I could be a bond girl. Mrs…Mrs…Mrs. Chubblepenny.” Get up, use the bathroom, return to bed and go right back to sleep. Ladies, feel free to get creative with the bond girl names.

Lick his eyeball.

In a particularly romantic moment be it in bed or just holding hands wherever you are, when he comes in closer for that slow, sweet kiss, dive your head forward and go for his cheek. Except have absolutely no aim what-so-ever and miss, directly hitting his eye ball. You will win the entirety of the internet if you act calm and tell him in a nonchalant manner that’s exactly what you planned on doing.

Ask him for a Pony at completely random times and places.

I chose the grocery check-out line of our local Publix grocery store to loudly ask for a pony. You could always try for a far classier place, like Target or Wal-mart,  or try for rooms with better acoustics for that great wtf is wrong with you? look old ladies will give you as they pass you buy.

Things to do while he’s driving

• Reach over and grab his man boob, or if you prefer, manly pectoral muscle and while squeezing, make car-honking noises.
• While he’s passing cars along the highway, make sure to make TIE fighter sound effects for each car passed.
• Roll down the window and shout about damn kids and their new fangled dance music.
• Ask if you can put the car in reverse, timing is everything. It’s best to ask when he’s navigating a difficult turn or in the middle of crazy traffic.

Pew Pew!

Grab your pet cat, hold him or her like a laser rifle and make approximate Star-Warsish pewpew! noises.

Adorn your feet in a vast array of décor.

The stranger, the better. If you can’t get a hold of the always fabulous Cthuhlu slippers, I recommend this fabulous pair pictured above.

Appliances are super fun.

When he brings home the new coffee machine equipped with metal carafe for keeping the coffee hot for several hours after brewing, have a little creative fun with that. Notice how the carafe makes a distinctive sword-drawn-out-of-scabbard sound often used in the movie and remove the carafe from the machine multiple times just to hear it. You’ll make a lasting impression if, while doing so, you mimic the shiiiiingshiiiing cadence of metal to metal.

Do things that make absolutely no sense to any human being, what-so-ever.

Using your favorite tea or coffee thermal cup, fill it with your favorite hot drink. Be fooled by the small top which only allows a small amount of liquid to come through and into your mouth. Remove the top thinking all is well and fill your mouth with blistering hot drink. In a complete and total moment of panic, only knowing that you want the burning acid liquid out of your mouth and want it out now—open your mouth and try to spit it out into your hand. Except, this is when you realize the tea/coffee/hot drink is too hot for your hand and try to shake it away, thus, dropping a handful of still piping hot tea onto your right boob.

This is 100% proven by yours truly. I can say without a doubt that I have done all of this and more. And the most amazing thing, ladies, is that he is still with me today and some how thinks that I am an alright sorta chick to be married to.

Good luck, ladies, and let me know how it works out for you!