I have always been seven steps behind what all the hip happenin’ youngsters are up to fashion, footwear, and internet wise. To those who know me, it wouldn’t be very surprising for them to hear that I have just now caught up to a (passing? Almost gone?) shoe phase called—crocs.
Yes, Crocs. Those shoes which I have read about on the internet several scathing reports on how visually offensive they are and how most sporting a pair are middle-aged married women with cankles, or balding fifty year old men in Hawaiian shirts. I finally have a pair of those shoes, and let me tell you something, ladies and gents: they weren’t lying when they said they were ugly.
Maybe ugly isn’t the right word? There’s the age old classic of fugly, which I could call them but that’s not right for these shoes, either. They’re a cross between functional and down right awful. If you’re a fashion nut job lover who enjoys his or her shoes, you won’t be wearing these with that slinky black number or silk tie suit.
Crocs, in fact, conjure images of little old ladies in gardens or massive mumu wearing mommas in front of their trailers.
And I, collector of all things cute and pink own a pair.
I’ll tell you why I do, because I know you’ve been waiting for this like I wait for cheesecake: they are the most comfortable pair of shoes I have ever worn in my entire life.
I have worn top of the line expensive sneakers with hefty insoles, I have worn giant fuzzy slippers made for making love to your feet and none of them compare to the footgasm that are a pair of crocs. I can’t tell you the damn science behind it, or why, because I’m busy over here pirouetting to AC/DC in these fuckers.
Seriously, if you’re getting as old as I am and your feet are starting to go? Get a pair of crocs. They’re ugly, they might make your feet smell but you’ll be too busy floating on a cushion of fuck-yeah on your feet to care and, god damn it, I’m getting old enough where I can get away with ugly shoes.
Not getting a single dime for this, they really are sex for your feet.
