Two phat geek’s simple secrets to a happy marriage.
Sep 29, 2008 Married Life
I see them every where on the internet, “top ten ways to make your relationship last!” and, “top seven ways to make your wife happy for the man who really likes to kick himself in the groinal area.” Let’s not mention the ads on television for 29 dimensions of pay-us-and-you’llOMGTOTALLY be so happy! Shove all this crap the internet is telling you about relationships and how to make them last, and let us crotchety geeks tell you how it’s really done.
It’s okay to fart.
And I don’t mean for you to run down the hallway to your loved one right now and let one rip that would make any burly woodsman proud.
What I mean is this: be honest about who you are. Don’t present a false you for someone to fall in love with, because chances are that several weeks, months, or years into the relationship when the curtain finally arises on the real you…Your partner may end up disenchanted, to say the least, in what’s happened to her ‘perfect prince,’ or his ‘princess.’
Don’t lie about what comes within the package. How can you expect someone to fall in love with a fake-you?
Size does matter.
Small things matter far more than we give credit, no matter the relationship. Remembering their favorite song, what they told you their favorite childhood toy was, what they said that made you burst into guffaws, a secret, a small tidbit of personal info? It sticks with them. It tells them that you are listening and that you do care.
If you think the person you are in love with will never hurt you, please go back to whatever happygoodtimefun rainbow planet you come from.
We’re human. There isn’t a single solitary perfect human amongst us, and anyone who tells you they are, or their relationship is sunshine, roses, and glitter being blasted from their butts twenty-four-seven is full of crap.
When you love someone and really commit to them, you give them all the means necessary to break your heart into itty, bitty, teeny weeny pieces. You give them fodder to use in arguments that hurt for weeks, or maybe even months after. You give them material to use against you when they are feeling particularly out of sorts—and this is part and parcel of loving someone, you tell them things you wouldn’t tell anyone else.
You will get hurt and you will hurt the person you love. It’s going to happen. What will set you apart from all the 23023920320329 couples who call it quits five seconds into their first argument is the willingness to understand this and work through it.
Relationships are hard work. Take it from Shawn, who said as I read this part to him: “That’s true. I’ve let you live this long, haven’t I?”
Loving and being with someone takes effort. If you aren’t willing to put any of that into a relationship then stick to friends-with-benefits.
The six hours of marathon sex and weeks of Disney-esque staring into each others eyes is hard work, too.
Well, duh on the six hours marathon sex part–but yes, romance is hard work too! We’re not telling you to spend hours of your day in between the bills, the kids, the job, the e-mails, the messages, the soccer games, the meetings, the sales pitches to think of elaborate romanticle plots of doom. But a kiss at the right moment, a word here and there, a simple card, a single flower, a little note every day or two can go a long way.
Show your partner you love them in a simple, small way everyday to help keep the spark and fire alive.
Give and take, not take take-takety-take-plus-taking-a-million and some more take and..oh, give nothing back.
No matter what “it” is. If you ask your partner to accept your flaws, your obsessions, your imperfections, if you ask your partner to work through your issues as patiently as possible, the chores, whatever it is–you have to give a little back.
This relationship is 50/50 business is not correct. Some times it’s 10/90, some times it’s 80/20, there are days where it feels like it’s 0/100. That’s how it goes, so long as it isn’t always like this. Loving someone IS a game of give-and-take, daily. Balancing it can become entirely impossible, but as long as the scales aren’t tipped so ridiculously in either court it can work. You can’t lay back, scratch your butt and expect him to bring you chocolates on a platter seven times a day….As much I dream this possible, it just isn’t fair.
So in a nutshell, to keep a healthy relationship alive you really only need to:
- Be honest about who you are, accept your partner for who they are.
- Remember the small things
- Put aside the fear of getting hurt, learn to work through it
- Do something to remind your partner you love them everyday if you can.
- Give a little when you take a little.
And that’s how the two of us haven’t killed one another…yet. Ahem!
Pretty easy when it’s like this, isn’t it? We realized long ago that no relationship is ever perfect nor easy, but if you are willing to work through it and stick to it—it can come damn close.
It also helps a little bit if you’re both giant nerds and a little insane, but that’s for another day. For those of you in relationships going on years, what’s worked for you?
Video blog bloopers.
Sep 28, 2008 Video Blogs
Generally I am so very suave, debonair, cool, collected and the very picture of feminine grace and elegance when I make a video blog or a rant. I know this will come as world shattering heart break for some of you…But I’m not perfect.
I have video proof.
Tags: Video
The top 10 surefire ways to make your husband think you are absolutely insane.
Sep 27, 2008 Married Life
If the incident with the peanut butter jar and the olive oil didn’t convince him, here are my personal top 10 best ways to prove beyond a doubt to your husband you’re completely nuts. Take it from me, they really work!
Would you like some bread?
Stay up more than twenty four hours. In fact, go for beyond three days if possible until the carpet starts waving like the ocean at your feet. When you finally feel like your brain is ready to let you slip into a sweet, sweet coma grab your pajama pants and:
- Attempt to put your foot into them without looking. Trust me, when you’ve gone forever without sleep and you feel like you’ve just gone the distance with a kegger or two, it’s nigh impossible to do without killing yourself and taking several other people with you.
- Fall flat on your face immediately after trying to put one single toe in a leg of your pajamas.
- Rise up triumphantly, giggling madly, and wrap the jammie bottoms around your head as if you were a beggar woman from Soviet Russia (where Jammies eat YOU). Ask him clearly if he “would like some bread?” in an awful Russian facsimile accent.
Juggle your boobs.
This is a personal favorite of mine and one I like to do when my husband, Shawn, is fully engrossed in watching television or playing a game. It’s simple to do, just go to wherever your husband is and start juggling the girls. If you really want to leave an impression, I recommend that you hum a few bars of circus-like music.
Tell him you could be a bond girl.
But not just any bond girl. Wake up from a dead sleep in the middle of night after suffering a bought of stomach bugs, sit straight up, look at your husband and declare, “I could be a bond girl. Mrs…Mrs…Mrs. Chubblepenny.” Get up, use the bathroom, return to bed and go right back to sleep. Ladies, feel free to get creative with the bond girl names.
Lick his eyeball.
In a particularly romantic moment be it in bed or just holding hands wherever you are, when he comes in closer for that slow, sweet kiss, dive your head forward and go for his cheek. Except have absolutely no aim what-so-ever and miss, directly hitting his eye ball. You will win the entirety of the internet if you act calm and tell him in a nonchalant manner that’s exactly what you planned on doing.
Ask him for a Pony at completely random times and places.
I chose the grocery check-out line of our local Publix grocery store to loudly ask for a pony. You could always try for a far classier place, like Target or Wal-mart, or try for rooms with better acoustics for that great wtf is wrong with you? look old ladies will give you as they pass you buy.
Things to do while he’s driving
- Reach over and grab his man boob, or if you prefer, manly pectoral muscle and while squeezing, make car-honking noises.
- While he’s passing cars along the highway, make sure to make TIE fighter sound effects for each car passed.
- Roll down the window and shout about damn kids and their new fangled dance music.
- Ask if you can put the car in reverse, timing is everything. It’s best to ask when he’s navigating a difficult turn or in the middle of crazy traffic.
Pew Pew!
Grab your pet cat, hold him or her like a laser rifle and make approximate Star-Warsish pewpew! noises.
Adorn your feet in a vast array of décor.
The stranger, the better. If you can’t get a hold of the always fabulous Cthuhlu slippers, I recommend this fabulous pair pictured above.
Appliances are super fun.
When he brings home the new coffee machine equipped with metal carafe for keeping the coffee hot for several hours after brewing, have a little creative fun with that. Notice how the carafe makes a distinctive sword-drawn-out-of-scabbard sound often used in the movie and remove the carafe from the machine multiple times just to hear it. You’ll make a lasting impression if, while doing so, you mimic the shiiiiingshiiiing cadence of metal to metal.
Do things that make absolutely no sense to any human being, what-so-ever.
Using your favorite tea or coffee thermal cup, fill it with your favorite hot drink. Be fooled by the small top which only allows a small amount of liquid to come through and into your mouth. Remove the top thinking all is well and fill your mouth with blistering hot drink. In a complete and total moment of panic, only knowing that you want the burning acid liquid out of your mouth and want it out now—open your mouth and try to spit it out into your hand. Except, this is when you realize the tea/coffee/hot drink is too hot for your hand and try to shake it away, thus, dropping a handful of still piping hot tea onto your right boob.
This is 100% proven by yours truly. I can say without a doubt that I have done all of this and more. And the most amazing thing, ladies, is that he is still with me today and some how thinks that I am an alright sorta chick to be married to.
Good luck, ladies, and let me know how it works out for you!
Tags: Married Life
Shawn, Mel? What’s with the ad spots?
Sep 24, 2008 Misc
125x125 graphic courtesy of blogohblog.com
I know, I know. I said earlier this year in my Pay Per Post entry that I wouldn’t clutter up 2phatgeeks with advertisements. That I would resist the urge to blast all of you guys with Google banner ads, ad sense ads, ads about ads and some ads with text ads.
And that promise holds 100% true, but, things have happened.
These things are generally filed under life and having a life with a sick cat.
Some of you who follow my live journal know that our Cat, Raven, was recently diagnosed with diabetes and has just come home as well as recovered from three days in and out of the Vet’s for blood curves. What some of you may not know is how much that totaled.
Nearly 700$ dollars in vet bills.
Sure, some of you might not agree with spending that much on an animal. That’s ok, its your right to do so, but Shawn and I are more than willing to do what we can. Sadly, the Veterinarian does not think that diabetes is the only thing wrong with her. That its an underlying symptom of a bigger issue and possibly Cushing’s disease.
Our Land Beast, Raven
I’ll spare you the details as to why after all that was spent this year, its chomping us solidly in the ass. Suffice to say we can’t afford to treat her further. We can only give her insulin for now and keep an eye on her blood curves and with mounting every day bills (like everyone else!) topped with the Vet bills. I would have gone the PPP route, but Payperpost.com has been dry as a bone lately. I refuse to write up on credit cards, psychics, another repeat of dream vacations or any of the pity offerings which have nothing to do really, with Shawn and I or what 2phatgeeks is about. Thus, hopefully, sparing you from the horror of me talking out of my blowhole about something I know nothing about. Something had to give!
And so, I gave. Just a little.
So for now, 2phatgeeks will offer just a modest 2 125×125 ad spaces within our side bar for 25$ a month and see how it goes. I hope you guys won’t mind.
It was either this, or get Shawn to flash his boobs on web cam.
Seven Random yet neat Adobe Photoshop tutorials
Sep 24, 2008 Tips, Tricks & Tutorials
Adobe Photoshop CS4
Thanks to Stumble Upon, I’ve managed to amass a small collection of Adobe Photo shop tutorials I’ve really thought useful, or just tutorials I’ve really loved. Without further ado, here are some of my favorites, I hope they’ll help you!
Making a Movie 100×100 icon, by Gawariel Design
“I know this icon isn’t that pretty, but all the basics of movie-making are in it.
Just remember that all the settings I used are for this specific icon only. Every setting depends on the icon you want to make. So, you wont be able to litteraly copy everything I have done to make your own movie icon, but at least you’ll get an idea on how it’s done!”
Make a Realistic planet, by dangtruong, on 9tutorials.com
“This tutorial should step you through making a simple, yet realistic-looking planet using Adobe Photoshop 7, and ONLY Adobe Photoshop 7. We’re working small here, so keep in mind that the larger you work, the harder the planet will be to create (just a bit more work as size increases).”
Out of Bounds tutorial, by agaraga: tilted reality
“OOB effects can be done with only one photo or with several images composed and you can either leave the original background as is or distort it to add a different look. Following example was done using only one photo and the background hasn’t been distorted.”
Add a misty or dreamy effect to your photos, by Nifty tutorials
“This quick tutorial will show how to add a really cool dreamy or misty effect to your photos. This tutorial works best with nature related images.”
How to create a lense baby effect in Photoshop by Nicora.net
“I will be the first to say right away that this technique does not exactly replicate what Lensbabies can achieve. In fact I discovered this technique without even having Lensbabies in my mind, but instead later realized there are some similarities. Anyway, lets jump into the tutorial.”
Create your own web 2.0 button, by hongkiat.com
“Photoshop tutorials are probably one of the hottest categories in any Photoshop tutorials site and since Web 2.0 is such hot topics now, lets go about doing a simple button suitable for any Web 2.0 application of websites.”
Making a realistic star field, by artofgregmartin.com
“Let’s face it: stars can be really hard to draw. I’m not talking about the singular balls of blazing gasses, though, I’m talking about the subtle and beautiful star fields that make a piece of celestial art what it is: a portrayal of space.”
Let me tell you about my wife…
Sep 22, 2008 Married Life
Image via Wikipedia
Since this week marks our 6th anniversary together, I thought I’d share with the internets just what kind of person it is that I’ve married. It’s hard to pick a place to start, actually, since there are so many qualities about you that I find not just attractive, but qualities that I think everyone should have. I’ll do my best, though. In no particular order:
She cares about people. This one might seem like a no-brainer. After all, who doesn’t care about people? But in reality, most folks *say* they care, but they don’t care about anyone but themselves. There are a great many people that my wife can’t stand and a great many things that people do that she hates, but when push comes to shove, she really feels empathy and heartache for those that truly deserve it. It doesn’t matter if the person is family or a complete stranger, she simply cares for them. If you are one of her friends, count yourself among the very lucky.
She cares about animals. There’s a terrific quote that she’s used on more than one occasion, “The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” Were any nation to be judged by her ability to care for, and sacrifice for, our little furry and feathered friends they would be judged among the truly great. Rarely have I seen anyone with such a depth of feeling for those unable to speak for themselves. She not only offers what aid she can when she is able, but lends them a voice through her writing. When an animal feels joy, she feels joy. When an animal is in pain, she feels it with them and does what she can to stop it. Only raw willpower on my part has kept us from adopting every needy animal in the state and if we ever had the money, you’d better believe she’d be sitting somewhere surrounded by abandoned and needy animals of every size and shape.
She has a great sense of humor. Aside from laughing at my jokes, which is really important, she also knows when not to laugh. There are a lot of people claiming to be funny these days, but the sad truth is that most of them aren’t. besides showing a great deal of taste in deciding “what is funny,” she has an infectious laugh and silly attitude that makes the best of days even better and brighter. This, of course, isn’t truly possible without noting that…
She is intelligent. She would argue with you on this one, but I contend it is impossible to have the above three qualities and *not* be intelligent. Also throw into the mix that she usually gets what I’m saying when I’m rambling along and that she can code old-school style despite the fact that when she and I first met she, in her own words, “could barely find the on button.” In the short time I’ve known her I’ve watched her soak up computer information as fast as I ever did and learn to write a heck of a lot more creatively than I ever could.
She is a geek! This is important! It’s pretty hard for us old-school geek guys to find women that match up with us. Old school geekage is a lot more, well… geeky that the newer brand. She has a discerning eye for quality sci-fi and fantasy and can sit and read and/or watch either for hours without getting bored (as long as the quality is up to snuff). Anyone who can sit and watch all three LoTR movies or all the Star Wars films in a marathon is jake with me!
She is strong. And while she is indeed stronger physically than she gives herself credit for, I mean inside. She’s not had a particularly easy life and I am certainly not the easiest person to live with, but she has pushed her way stubbornly through it and still managed to retain her humanity. The fact I am still alive should be more than enough evidence!
She is talented. She has a better writing style than I’ve ever been able to muster, sure I can figure out the gear-works behind a story, but when it comes to bringing it to life, she’s the one that gives a character breath. She’s also taken so quickly to photography that I’m starting to think she was born to it. I’ve always *wanted* an eye for a good picture, but she has it and manages to capture it on film for us all to enjoy.
She is beautiful, both inside and out. She has a wonderful child-like sense of wonder in the world around her (and especially Disney!) that I find just… freakin’ fantastic. It lights up the room and is about the only thing that I can look forward to at the end of a day filled with crazies to lift my spirits. She also happens to be one hell of a looker! She would pretty much think you were insane for saying so. Well, I’m here to tell you that on this occasion, she’s 100% wrong. It’s quite acceptable for you all to tell her so. It’s hard to explain just how stunning it is to watch her, especially when she’s really concentrating, like when he’s taking a photograph.
Lastly and certainly not least, she can cook. Sure, she may be picky about what goes inter her food but no one can argue the end result. I’ve seen her try recipe from nearly every culture and even experiment with them… and I’ve gobbled every one up. She’s adventurous and daring when it comes to new flavors.
So *this* is the person I married and only the few things I could managed to pound out on the keyboard with my club-hands. It’s times like this that you realize just how limited words really are.
Happy Anniversary! I love you, angel! Here’s to 70 more!
Tags: Love
