Douch Bag Test
Aug 31, 2008 Rants
If you own a pickup truck and live in Florida, I’ve got bad news for you.
Florida drivers are apparently known around the country for coming in two flavors: blue-haired grannies driving 45 miles on the interstate with the left turn signal on for 20 miles and senseless idiots riding on bumpers at 90 MPH… in the rain… at night. As a long time survivor of the Florida motorways allow me to confirm this in the most certain terms. Pretty much everyone down here drives like a moron, the only difference being some drive way over the speed limit and some way drive under.
However, there is a special brand of douche bag that I have been particularly annoyed with lately: the Florida pickup driver. Apparently before a person can drive a pickup here they are required to have a portion of their brain removed. The portion removed seems to be the one that controls respect for other human beings. Once removed, the Florida Department of Big’Ol Vee-hickles will fill the empty space with a secondary testosterone gland.
They drive as if the other vehicles on the road are somehow inconveniencing them. They weave trucks made for pulling horse trailers in and out of traffic like a sports car. Unfortunately, since that big ass dualie of yours doesn’t exactly turn on a dime, the rest of us have to ride our brakes when you’re around, because you sure as hell won’t look out for anyone else. They have mirrors so large they could be used as part of a solar farm and yet never even glance in them until *after* they’ve merged. For some reason they routinely seem to drag their 12 foot wide asses into the right lane to pass right at the on ramp, and screw the guy trying to merge, Mr. Truck-Owning-Douche-Bag has got to get to church on time!
If you’re sitting at home saying, “I’m not a douche bag and I drive a pickup truck,” only three possible explanations.
1. You don’t live in Florida
2. You’re horribly, horribly wrong and are, in fact, a complete douche bag.
I’m sorry. I’ve got the results of your Douche Bag test right here and… I’m afraid it’s bad news.
Timing is Everything
Aug 30, 2008 Humor
So, a couple weeks ago I was speaking to an otherwise intelligent but very, very Christian co-worker about the fact she is letting her teen daughter go to the launch night for some new vampire book. I expressed a bit of surprise that she was letting her daughter go to such secular festivities. Her reply: “I don’t believe it, of course, I’m a Christian, but I believe that my kids are smart enough to tell the difference between reality and made-up nonsense like people rising from the grave and living forever and that sort of nonsense.”
Maybe if those pesky vampires waited three days before rising from the grave?
Why I am in love with Chinese Tea Eggs.
Aug 27, 2008 Photography & Digital Art
Chinese Tea Eggs make my entire house smell wonderful, they have a light, delicious salty flavor when cooked right, and, they come out looking like this:
That’s the biggest reason why I love them, I think.
Tags: Food
Dog Lovers Beware: Dangerous Toy.
Aug 23, 2008 Pets & Animals
I would like to introduce you to Chai, and Chai’s Story.
Chai is a special dog, who is double lucky. Lucky to survive and lucky to have an owner that loves Chai regardless of the work and effort it now takes to care for Chai.
Chai’s toy, called The Pimple Ball with Bell, (Item #20227-001, UPC Code 0 4566320227 9) made by Four Paws, broke when Chai bit down on the solid sealed rubber ball. Manufacturers had forgotten to include a small hole within it. Chai’s Veterinarian believes the ball exploded under pressure and created a vacuum which trapped Chai’s tongue. The wound was bad enough that despite efforts to save it, Chai had to have his tongue amputated.
If you have this ball, or products like it in your home you can do one of two things immediately: check to make sure there is a small hole within the ball. You can even create one for yourself to stave off injury before it’s too late. If you have the time, spread the word about Chai’s story and inform fellow dog owners. Take a visit if you wish, to your local pet store and let ‘em know about this product. Take a second and let fellow pet owner’s know. I think Chai would appreciate it. Thanks!
Credit: Photos of dog toy and dog are © The Chai Story
Tags: Pets
Some Handy tips from your neighborhood Credit Union Representative
Aug 20, 2008 Tips, Tricks & Tutorials
Image by Getty Images via Daylife I’ve been remiss in posting lately and it’s largely because I’ve been spending a lot of time with my always demanding customers. For those of you that don’t know, I work as a manager in the customer service department of a credit union. During these many extra hours of work, I’ve come to one conclusion: approximately 99% of the public is incapable of dealing with their finances without making an ass of themselves.
Even under normal circumstances, the calls I receive are far from organized or intelligent. Now, however, with all this induced panic, things are even worse. So, as a public service, allow me to offer you some helpful hints on how to deal with your finances.
1. Have your account number ready. This is pretty much the bare minimum you can bring to the game. At my credit union, the account numbers are 5-6 digits long. Contained and accessed by these 6 numbers, for most of my callers, is every dime they own. The very least you can do is remember it. It’s not that damn hard! And the next one of you that says “I knew you were going to ask for that,” is going to have my headset shoved directly up your nose. If you knew it, why didn’t you have it?! God damnit!
2. If you don’t know that, at least know something. The number of people that call who only know their damn name astonishes me. I’m not looking up your name because, in case you’ve noticed, Roberts and Smith are fairly common names, douchebag.
3. Don’t call unprepared. If you got a letter you had a question about, have the letter. If you have a receipt that you thought was wrong, have the receipt. If you put me on hold for 10 minutes, the call may mysteriously disconnect. There are literally hundreds of other people behind you.
4. Don’t lie. We can tell. Don’t tell me that you were logging on and checking your account and suddenly something happened to our website and it logged you off and locked you out. I can see all your attempts. I can see your lies and your shame. Careful or I’ll tell everyone in the church you donate to about your sinful dishonesty… and all the porn rentals.
5. Don’t think you are going to get anything accomplished by being a dick. I usually am far less helpful when people act like tools on the phone. I’ll offer hints and tricks for those people being civil. We also can and will hang up on you… and with a great sense of satisfaction. So watch the F-bombs when you screw your account up.
6. English is the language of the land. “Um, I needs to axe me some inquirimies about mah checkins accounts,” is *not* English, Darantavious and/or Latreya. For the love of all that’s holy, it’s called a “Checking” account. And please don’t say big words when you can’t handle them. The word is “inquiries.” Also: people who can’t say “ask” correctly should be forbidden bank accounts… and air. It’s not that hard of a word!
7. “I have a question about some fees…” And that question is: can I have them back? I know it and you know it. Don’t beat around the bush. Ask me politely so I can say no and you can get all pissed and hang up. Oh, and rich people? You are not entitled to them back. No, I don’t care if you will close your account. The last thing I’ll get is your $30 for the check you wrote while knowing the huge deposit hadn’t cleared yet, asshole. And, yes, I am the supervisor, so be quiet. The answer is still no.
8. When we do make mistakes, and we will since we’re made up of actual people, don’t repeat “this is unacceptable” over and over as if fixing the problem is not enough. I’m going to fix your problem… I am not going give you a big cartoon sack with a dollar sign on it for your trouble. When I tell you of a mistake I will also detail how we’ll be fixing it. Say you understand or that you hate us or that you’re taking your money and be done with it. I can only fix the mistake; I can’t fill the empty hole in your soul.
9. When you don’t get your way, don’t threaten us. We will do what we can to make the most people happy, but that doesn’t mean bending our rules just because you’ve been with us 5 million years or have 2 million dollars here. When people say “I guess I’ll just have to take my money and go elsewhere,” over a $15 wire fee we’re all secretly thinking, “Yay! Go! One less call for me!” Please give us a call back and let me know what you think when you find out that every other financial institution in town has higher fees.”
10. This one is really important. You are not a banker. I don’t care who you know or who you worked with or what you read. I will tell you the answer, you will accept it. We will be done. Amen.
So please, the next time you pick up the phone to call your personal financial institution, remember these few guidelines. Remember that the man behind that call is someone like me and that he has done nothing to earn your hatred.
Unless it’s Bank of America. Fuck those guys.
My cellphone has a first name, it’s m-a-n-n-e-r-s.
Aug 18, 2008 Video Blogs
Cell Phone Rant from M. Pence on Vimeo.
